Financial status is the determinant of how people are going to treat you. Doesn’t matter how close a bond you once had with a person, it gradually turns yellow with your deteriorating pecuniary state. This very harsh truth I have learned in some of the most jarring ways. Innocence or I could say my “unperturbed bubble of a simple world” led me through some of my darkest experiences which I recall as terrifying memories now.
Now that I think about my past, I can only signify myself as the stupidest girl as I never noticed the pale face while people opened their doors. Attempts of hiding very obvious gestures and fitful conversations of when I might leave or why I was there. Hints transitioning from subtlety to the clearest as possible they could be, I never noticed. I still lived in my past when people used to be very happy to visit our home and to see us, stating their undying love for me, how good a child I was, and how I was always welcome at their house at any time. Little and imbecile I couldn’t fathom that all those words were not for me but for the financial status, we were holding at that point.
The same people who invited us to stay over at night, forbode when it was way past the time of making any alternative arrangements, that too because they wanted to have a bit of sound sleep. The people who literally begged me to move in with them, threw me out like trash because I was being a burden, making false and the most unpalatable allegations which I had never committed. These very people were always jovial to see us, to pay a visit to our home.
Sometimes when I think about these memories, I feel very little. How could I have been so stupid? My mom says these are trivial issues. Might be. Smallest issues should be forgotten. I try though. Most of the time, I’m not even thinking about them. I can indeed control my conscious mind. But how do I train my subconscious?
How do I tell my wingless butterfly that I’m sorry, my naiveness couldn’t spare you the horrors, that stabbed your wings, paralyzed you, and drew the end of your beautiful image of a simple world where you were allowed to smile and wander as you pleased; and still cannot stop your nightmares that are louder than your conscious voice.
